Oh hai thar internet.

It's been a while. A long while. You guys were supposed to nag me to keep updating!

Well... the novel thing never panned out. Last semester turned out to be a very busy one, and I barely kept up with my classes. But I got through the semester, and I managed a not terrible GPA in the process. So hooray!

Now, today's subject might be a little touchy to some people. Keep in mind that I in no way mean to be offensive, and this reflects only my personal experiences. Other individual may have entirely different experiences, and this in no way reflects on the nature of anyone except myself. With that said, here goes.

The things that I'm autistic. And being autistic... well, it can really suck sometimes.

I'm not good at social interaction. I don't understand it. All those subtle social cues, like body language and tone of voice, often go completely over my head, or I interpret them entirely wrong. And those are a huge, huge part of communication. So I miss a lot when talking to people, and because of this I tend to just not talk much. Which, I think, makes people feel like I don't like being around them.

I said I think that's how people feel. Because I don't know, no one has ever come up to me and said, "Neil, I feel like you don't want me around." Sure, I can figure out that, if person A avoids hanging out with me, then it's likely that person A doesn't like hanging out with me. But I get so many false positives that way. People who miss a regular hang out, or opt to go do something different this week... it has nothing to do with them disliking me, but I have no way to tell which people just having something else to do, and which people are avoiding me.

And even this one specific example leads to problems. There have been a couple of girls I was interested in, in the last few years, where I literally could not tell if they were sick of the sight of me, or if they were just busy.

It works the other way, too. I can't tell when someone enjoys my company. Again, I can say that if person B spends time with me, then person B likely enjoys spending time with me. But what if person B is only spending time with me because we both happen to enjoy being at a certain place? Or we have a mutual friend that one of us often tags along with? This can become extra confusing for me when I only see a person in one context (hanging with a mutual friend, going to a place we both enjoy/have to be at), and there is no opportunity to change this.

This is currently causing me problems. As I write this blog, several friends are sitting in the other room. This house is their convenient hang out spot (because my roommate owns the place) and they were hanging here regularly long before I moved in. Lately I've been feeling like they don't want me around... but I can't tell if this is because they really don't want me around, or because I'm misreading social cues.

Sure, I can just go and ask. But there are two problems with that. The first, and the lesser, problem is that it's embarrassing. Often times people look like I'm stupid for not already figuring things like this out. The second problem is that, if I just go in there and ask if something's going on, I learn nothing. They tell me that they either do want me around, or they don't, and I never figure out how to tell the difference on my own. Assuming they don't just lie and say, "Of course we want you around!" out of social politeness, which adds whole new layers of complexity that are entirely unhelpful to me.

Like I said, it kind of sucks sometimes.

I thought of an interesting analogy earlier today to illustrate how this feels. To me, trying to learn how to be social is like trying to learn advanced calculus. Except that everyone else already knows advanced calculus, and no one ever explains any of it to me, and everyone assumes that I already know it. And not knowing the right answers means I end up sitting alone in my living room, writing an angsty blog, while my friends hang out in the other room having fun together.

This situation is untenable. What happens when I have a real job, and I don't realize that my boss is upset with me over something I wasn't aware that I did? What do I do if I ever do manage to get a date, and I can't tell if she's enjoying herself or smiling because of social politeness?

Ah, social politeness, my old nemesis. I don't want to get side-tracked by it now, but remind me to do a blog on that some time.

Now, don't think of me as hopeless, I'm not. I'm high-functioning enough that I can learn all of these things. But that math analogy above was very apt. This is a skill that will take me time and effort to learn. To continue the analogy, right now I'm struggling my way through trigonometry without any guidance, and I'm still completely baffled by even the most basic calculus equations.

Novel Update #1

I said in my last blog that I had decided what story to work on. Well, I was wrong. I vacillated for a while, bouncing back and forth between three different story ideas that I really want to work on. But I finally settled myself to work on the one I had originally decided to work on, because shut up and do it, Neil!

I have a tendency to start a project and then shoot off at the first shiny distraction that comes along. I've found that having clear goals and something of a reward can help keep me on track. My goals are already clear. Write a novel, and focus on quality more than quantity. Now a need a reward.

When I finish this novel, I'm going to buy a computer. Not just any computer, oh no. It will be the first computer I will acquire for the cluster computer I've been wanting to build for years.

Why do I want to build my own cluster computer, you ask? Because it would be totally awesome. What more could a computer science major wish for?

Novel time

I am going to write a novel. And I am going to chronicle my progress here on this blog. Why? Because I think keeping a public record of my progress will motivate me to actually make some progress. My friends can all laugh at me when I fail to keep going. Friends are useful like that.

I've completed NaNoWriMo a couple of times, and I had one hundred pages of a rough draft that I started back when I first began writing (which is lost now, sadly). So it's not like I haven't written in this quantity before. The difference, here, is going to be my concern for quality. So I expect it to go much slower than NaNo.

The first step: planning. I've already picked which story I want to work on, and it's one I've done a bit of planning on already. And since I don't usually plan much anyway, the planning stage shouldn't take too long. After that, the writing, which I expect to take several months at least. Once I have a rough draft, the editing.

I'll probably be doing other writing in the meantime. I'm planning on doing Milwordy again this year (write a million words in one year), this time with a hope of completing it. But I have a lot of free time that I don't utilize properly, so I think I can manage.

I'll try to update frequently. If I don't, nag me.

The project begins.

You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

In stories, I have a problem with species or societies that perpetuate themselves by inducting new members from outside the group. The group itself has no internal method of reproduction.

This isn't even an issue of morality. Yes, I find the actions of Star Trek's Borg, or Doctor Who's Cybermen, to be morally reprehensible. But you could be dealing with a gray and gray morality, or even a black and gray morality where these guys are the gray, and the true evil is much worse. Or the group could even be good, such as an order of monks that has taken vows of celibacy.

No, my problem is that such a system is unsustainable. It is doomed to fail, in the long run, unless very special conditions are met. Because the group has no internal method of reproduction, they are dependent on outsiders for new bodies. What happens when they've inducted everybody, and no outsiders remain? The group dies out. What happens when resistance to induction means it costs the group more than one member for every member it gains? The group dies out.

This last is why the standard zombie apocalypse scenario is ridiculous, by the way. I can believe in a virus that turns people into rage-filled cannibalistic killing machines. But when defenders often mow down dozens of zombies for every defender killed I have to wonder... how did so many people get infected in the first place?

The only way such a group can sustain itself is by carefully balancing how many members it loses with how many members it gains, and by balancing itself with broader populations. It would require careful and deliberate planning. I never see such planning in fiction.

This has always kind of bothered me. Just felt like ranting about it for a bit.

Blarg

You ever have one of those days where you just feel like blarg?

Eh, it happens from time to time. Yesterday I just felt like crap. I think my blarginess is just leftover from that. I'm going to help my roommate on his family farm today. Getting out and doing something ought to cheer me up, and he really needs the help. I don't know what I'll do when I get back, though. Maybe play a bit of WoW, or work on my paper for class. I also need to study for an exam on Wednesday, but it won't be a very hard one so I'm not too worried.

Not really much to say today, though. Just felt like posting something, mostly because I'm bored at the moment. Have a good day, everyone!

Semester is almost over

It's that time of year again. Fall semester is almost over, and winter break is about to begin.

I'm not really looking forward to it. I like it here in Bowling Green. There's places to go, stuff to do, and I've got all my friends within a few minutes walk. In Franklin I end up just sitting around the house, doing nothing, for days at a time.

Winter break is five weeks long. And, at the moment, I have absolutely no plans for the entire thing. Well... that isn't entirely true. One of my friends, who dropped out of NaNo due to a lack of time, is trying to organize a NaNo-like writing thing during the break. But that won't get me out of the house.

I'll be all right, though. Rent a few movies or something, do some writing, chat with people on Facebook. I'll get through the break. I'll just be bored a lot.

Can't wait for next semester, though. Found out that one of my good friends will be staying for another semester, even though she's graduating at the end of this semester. So I know I'll have at least one person to hang out with and bother.

Gay Marriage

Ah, now here's a nice, spicy topic to blog about! I had a little argument with a relative today about gay marriage. It got me angry and worked up. So I'll rant here, since this is a convenient place.

So let's just get the main question out of the way. Should we allow gay marriage? Yes!

Why?

Ah, now that's a good question. But I think there is a better question: why not?

Let's look at a couple of the arguments against gay marriage.

One common argument is that marriage is intended to be between a man and a woman. That's how God intended it, and we shouldn't meddle with that. We must protect the sanctity of marriage.

I heard another argument today, that our taxes will be used to pay for workers to write up and file paperwork for gay marriages. Why should our tax money pay for their marriage?

I'm going to address the second argument first, because I'll want to spend more time on the first one.

Certain people have expressed the concern that their taxes will pay for workers to write up and file paperwork for gay marriages, and these certain people dislike this idea. However, they fail to realize that homosexuals pay just as much in taxes as the rest of us, and that the homosexual's taxes are used to pay for workers who write up and file paperwork for the straight person's marriage. They pay the same taxes, so why should they not have the same rights?

Ok, I'm done talking about taxes. Let's move on to the whole sanctity of marriage thing.

So, marriage was "intended to be between a man and a woman", right? Well, Biblically, that isn't quite true. If you want to go by the Bible, marriage was intended to be between a man and a woman before the eyes of God. The italicized part is important. Why? Because, according to the Christian traditions that these people are trying to base their arguments in, only Christians are married in the eyes of God.

Do Hindus have a Christian marriage? Do Muslims? What about atheists? No! None of these groups have Christian marriages... but no one stands out in a street protesting when two atheists go to get married, as long as they're of two different genders. Why is that? Why are people singling out this one group for persecution?

Because that's what this is. It's persecution. It's singling out one group of people and treating them poorly. Without any real reason, just because of a personal dislike for this group of people.

So tell me, why shouldn't homosexuals have all the same rights that I enjoy? What possible reason could we have for restricting their freedoms? Is there any real reason, or is it all just excuses for personal bigotry?